I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
if only i could text you this smell
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
