Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize