HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you win again, gameday.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
