She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
