I think my vagina is haunted
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
