Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
