If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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