That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you traded sex for a burrito?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
