I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
pop tarts are not kleenex
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize