I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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