sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
