Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
