I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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