my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
