hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
