now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize