There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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