He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
