I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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