I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
