I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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