my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
