So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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