I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
