and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
