Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Randomize
