Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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