Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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