This girl is more easily done than said...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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