He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
