I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
