Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
