I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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