I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
