i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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