just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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