Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
