Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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