Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
