I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
