i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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