So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
