So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
