you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
