if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
