My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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