3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
