Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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