Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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