TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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