Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize