she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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