You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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