peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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