Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
