Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Randomize
