put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
