He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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