after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
