Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
