i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
